i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Randomize
