she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Randomize
