I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
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