Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
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