you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
