I'm pants shitting drunk right now
just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
i love accidental penises.
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
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