Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
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