Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
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