he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
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