Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
