just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
Randomize
