In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
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