omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Randomize
