you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
