Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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