Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Randomize
