I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Randomize
