I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
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Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
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There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka