Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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