I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
This girl wants me to lick her pits
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
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Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
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She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.