I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
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