Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
there was naked duck duck goose
how does that even get suggested?!
after naked leap frog.... it wasn't that big of a deal
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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