i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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