The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
