Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
