Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
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