I hate your face
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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