Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
