Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
God gave him joint rollers for hands
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
Randomize
