So #1 way to come back last night and #2 wishbone and I broke into his house and i opened joey's door and u were both passed out and pantless.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
You may now shotgun with the bride
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Randomize
