My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Randomize
