Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Randomize
