Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
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I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
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Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!