Texts From Last Night

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  (314): View more from Missouri

  rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?

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  (314): rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places? http://tfl.nu/i464
  Replies (39) Good night (6317) Bad night (791)
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  (433): View more from

  There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables

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  (433): There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables http://tfl.nu/c33j
  Replies (63) Good night (1515) Bad night (4131)
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  (678): View more from Georgia

  You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.

  (404): View more from Georgia

  Do you think he can smell the vodka?

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  (678): You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house. (404): Do you think he can smell the vodka? http://tfl.nu/oujs
  Replies (35) Good night (927) Bad night (4926)
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  (415): View more from California

  Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.

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  (415): Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting. http://tfl.nu/yl2c
  Replies (13) Good night (6171) Bad night (1306)
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...

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  (203): That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa... http://tfl.nu/lw9n
  Replies (7) Good night (2333) Bad night (998)
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  (828): View more from North Carolina

  you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.

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  (828): you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life. http://tfl.nu/zm5g
  Replies (12) Good night (7888) Bad night (1118)
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  (217): View more from Illinois

  it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....

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  (217): it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning.... http://tfl.nu/jakw
  Replies (5) Good night (2850) Bad night (1653)
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  (841): View more from

  That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.

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  (841): That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead. http://tfl.nu/kk8p
  Replies (7) Good night (1470) Bad night (828)
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  (469): View more from Texas

  I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.

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  (469): I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years. http://tfl.nu/9l4v
  Replies (5) Good night (886) Bad night (620)
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  (615): View more from Tennessee

  DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN

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  (615): DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN http://tfl.nu/6g6b
  Replies (1) Good night (718) Bad night (648)
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  (770): View more from Georgia

  So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?

  (404): View more from Georgia

  So many things can go wrong tonight.

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  (770): So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun? (404): So many things can go wrong tonight. http://tfl.nu/anjg
  Replies (3) Good night (1346) Bad night (434)
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  (480): View more from Arizona

  Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!

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  (480): Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER! http://tfl.nu/hhqm
  Replies (2) Good night (776) Bad night (326)
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  (425): View more from Washington

  Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.

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  (425): Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting. http://tfl.nu/at9f
  Replies (5) Good night (822) Bad night (236)
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  (407): View more from Florida

  Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.

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  (407): Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits. http://tfl.nu/yyb3
  Replies (4) Good night (401) Bad night (245)
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  (774): View more from Massachusetts

  How are you feeling?

  (435): View more from Utah

  I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.

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  (774): How are you feeling? (435): I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad. http://tfl.nu/eomx
  Replies (0) Good night (290) Bad night (109)

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