is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
we're talking about where were going. or where we stand. but yeah we'll basically be doing it in the hallway so just ignore us
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
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