I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
