twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
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