Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Randomize
