You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Randomize
