I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Randomize
