The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
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