I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
