i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
