The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
