The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
