i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
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