My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
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