Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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