Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
