im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
