woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
