this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Randomize
