My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
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