Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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