I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
is it fun? or sober?
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
Randomize
