He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
Gay?
German.
Pity.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
