i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Randomize
