i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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