Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
last night I used snow as a chaser
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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