Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
