The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
I lost the right to judge tonight
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
